White chicken

It’s been a while.  I’M SORRY.  Please forgive me.

I wish I could regale you with stories as to why I’ve been missing, but alas, there is nothing.  Just the usual suspects: work, social life, the decision to eat out instead of cooking in a hot kitchen when it’s already 97 degrees outside.  Y’know.

This white chicken though.  I did decide to make this in a hot kitchen when it was 97 degrees out.  This chicken is amazing when you are lazy and have no idea what you want to eat and there’s a chicken breast in the fridge that needed to be cooked.  I happen to love eating this chicken, but I never get to make it because the boy says he’s not a fan of sour cream.  Thus, I wait till he goes out of town before I can make this so I can eat it in all its glory.

(The boy would eat it, if I made it.  But I don’t want to make it if he’s not going to be a fan of it because then my self-esteem regarding my cooking skills is going to go down the drain.  I have problems.)

WHITE CHICKEN (obviously I can’t think of a better title)
adapted from The PinterTest Kitchen

2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts (mine were huge [HURHURHUR] so lessen the below ingredients if you aren’t from Texas and don’t have gigantic chicken breasts)
3 Tbsp. sour cream
3 Tbsp. mayonnaise
3 Tbsp. ranch dressing
1/4 cup Monterey Jack cheese, shredded
1/4 cup mozzarella cheese, shredded
1/2 cup pork rinds (chicharrones), crushed (should look like breadcrumbs) (I used Mac’s original flavor)
salt and pepper

1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees Fahrenheit.
2. Mix the sour cream, mayo, ranch dressing, cheeses, and salt and pepper together until evenly mixed.3. Place chicken in a baking dish that is lined with foil.
4. Slather the mixture all over the chicken.  ALL OVER.  Don’t be shy.
5. Sprinkle the pork rinds over the top.  The more the merrier ’cause crunchy = awesome.  Also, I know pork rinds on chicken sounds weird.  But trust me on this.
6. Bake for 20 minutes.

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Scotch eggs

It’s embarrassing how easy this is.  Like, is it even worth typing up this recipe?  I feel so dumb.

SCOTCH EGGS
adapted from Caveman Keto

Makes 5 delicious balls

1 16* oz. tube of pork sausage (breakfast sausage, like Jimmy Dean’s)
5 eggs, hard boiled**

*If all you can find is 12 oz. tubes, then this will make 4 scotch eggs instead.

*Foolproof method for perfect hard boiled eggs: Stick eggs in pot.  Add enough water to cover eggs.  Heat on stove until water begins to boil.  Once water begins boiling, turn off the heat.  Cover the pot.  Set timer to 12 minutes.  At the end of 12 minutes, drain the water.  Add enough cold water to cover the eggs and throw a few ice cubes in there too.  Let it all cool to room temperature.

1. Preheat oven to 450 degrees Fahrenheit.
2. Peel eggs.
3. Split the tube of sausage into 5 roughly equal parts.
4.  With the palm of your hand, flatten each section of sausage into a rough circle.
5. Stick peeled egg in the middle of the sausage circle.
6. Wrap egg with the sausage.  It’ll feel like playing with Play-Doh.  Make sure it’s all sealed.
7. Bake for 20 minutes.

Aaaaand… that’s it.  Yep.

(Also, because it has to be said: I love scotch.  Scotchy scotchy scotch.)

Loaded faux-tato bake

Potatoes are delicious.

These aren’t potatoes.  These are faux-tatoes.  (HAR HAR HAR)

They are also delicious.  Dare I say, even more delicious.  Trust.

LOADED FAUX-TATO BAKE
adapted from My Kitchen Escapades

Fills a 9×9 pan

1 bag frozen cauliflower florets
5 oz. cheddar, shredded
5 oz. Monterey Jack or mozzarella, shredded (I have tried both ways, it is amazing both ways)
6 oz. cream cheese, softened (zap in microwave for 30 seconds)
1/4 cup heavy cream
small handful of green onions, chopped
4-5 slices bacon, cooked and crumbled
2 cloves garlic, minced
salt and pepper

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
2. Throw cauliflower into large microwavable bowl and add a little bit of water.  Cover with plastic wrap and nuke in microwave for 5 minutes until the cauliflower is tender.
3. While cauliflower is in the microwave, mix everything else together, except for enough shredded cheese to cover the top.  Resist the urge to eat the mix of food.
4. When cauliflower is done, drain the water and mash the cauliflower just a little bit so it’s still chunky but not in huge pieces.
5. Mix the cauliflower and the cheese mixture together well.  The cauliflower will continue to get a little bit more mashed, but don’t go overboard.
6. Pour into a 9×9 buttered pan and sprinkle the remaining shredded cheese on top.  Cover with aluminum foil.
7. Bake for 25 minutes.
8. Remove the aluminum foil and bake for an additional 15 minutes until the cheese is browned and bubbly.

Public Service Announcement: Try not to eat the entire pan in one sitting.  It may be low carb, but it is a lot of calories.  (But I wouldn’t judge you for trying – it’s that good.)

Chicken crust pizza

Man, there are some carby things I really miss.  Like pizza.  UGHHHH I really miss pizza.  And don’t tell me I can just eat the toppings – It’s.  Not.  The.  Same.

Enter from stage left: TEH INTERNETZ.  (Along with that: amazing people who come up with amazing recipes and post them for our enjoyment.)

I present to you a chicken crust pizza.

It sounds weird.  Really weird.  But it’s not just slathering pizza toppings on top of a chicken breast.  Nor does it taste really chicken-y.  I promise you this.  It is amazing and I may possibly make it every week, because pizza.  I can’t say no.

Pro tipIf you have a stand mixer, go buy a rotisserie chicken from the grocery store.  Rip off all the meat.  Include some skin if you want, it’s delicious.  Throw it all in your stand mixer.  Using the flat beater attachment, start off slow.  Watch the chicken shred, it’s mesmerizing.  Increase the speed slightly.  After about a minute or two, it will be perfectly minced into itty bitty pieces.

CHICKEN CRUST PIZZA
adapted from Your Lighter Side

Makes an entire 12-14″ pizza

1 1/2 cups cooked minced/shredded chicken
1 cup mozzarella, shredded
1/4 cup parmesan
1 1/2 tsp basil
1 1/2 tsp oregano
1 tbsp onion powder
1 tbsp garlic powder
salt and pepper

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit.
2. Mix everything together.  I used my hands.  It will be crumbly and you are going to doubt me and this recipe at this point.
3. Press the mixture onto parchment paper on a cookie sheet or pizza pan.  I like thin crust, so I did a thin crust.  Don’t try to press the mixture onto foil or else it will get really cooked on and you won’t be able to get it off, but you’ll try anyway and you’ll lose half your crust and then you’ll cry in the corner of your kitchen.  This may or may not have happened to me.
4. Bake for 12 minutes.  Depending on how hot your oven gets or how thick you made your crust, it may not look done or crispy enough.  If so, bake it for just a couple more minutes at a time until it’s done to your tastes.
5. Let cool for 5 minutes.
6. Top with sauce, cheese, and then toppings* of your choice.
7. Set your oven to broil (about 500 degrees Fahrenheit).  Stick pizza in for 5-7 minutes, or until cheese is melted.

* If you care, the toppings I used:  Not gonna lie, I went ghetto-style with this pizza because I either ran out of ingredients, like shredded mozzarella, or I just didn’t have them because this was a spur-of-the-moment recipe and didn’t want to take a trip to the grocery store.  So: spinach, frozen broccoli florets, mushrooms, and hard salami torn into pieces.  For the cheese topping, I ran out of shredded mozzarella when making the crust, so I tore up some string cheese and used that.  Didn’t have pizza sauce either, so I used a can of crushed tomatoes and added garlic, basil, oregano, and red pepper flakes, and kept it simmering until it reduced and thickened.